How to upset all your colleagues at the same time.

After all the fights in Whitehall, Rishy Sunak the PM-Human was very upset with Sewer-Ella for making all the right-wing humans angry and putting them up to having a fight. So he fired her. (She Human explains that being fired is not like this picture below but more like ringing her up on the tellyphone and telling her to pack up her stuff and leave the government).

In the meantime because of Sewer-Ella leaving the Rishy PM-human had to move lots of pollytickal humans around in his cabbynet (I am yet to understand this cabbynet business. The She Human has a cabinet in her studdy and although I have looked, there are no pollytickal humans in it, lots of pens, papers, sweet wrappers and books, but no humans).

With all the moving pollytickal humans around there ended up being a gap after the current Forrin Sekketry Cleverley-Human was moved to the Home Office. The Home Office is not as much fun as the Foreign Office apparently. He now has to deal with prisuns, the police (who are a bit off Home Sekketries after being chased around by Sewer-Ella and her predecessor No-so-Pretty Patel-Human), immigrayshun (which the Tories get very upset about) spies and all sorts of other nasty things like passports.

Understandably Cleverley-Human was very unhappy about being moved and has taken to looking a like I do when I have to be forced into a cat basket and taken to the vet. I hear that the Forrin Office job is lots of fun with lots of travelling, chatting to important humans from other countries, seeing the sites and lots of tasty things for them all to eat.

As you can imagine with these sorts of perks to the job of Forrin Sekketry all the pollytickal humans in the cabbynet were doing their best to look busy so that Rishy the PM Human would pick them to be Forrin Sekketry. When Rishy did his rishuffle he announced that David Cammyrun was going to be the new Forrin Sekketry. All the cabbynet humans were infuriated because David Cammyrun as a) the PM-Human that decided to hold the Brekzits reffyrendum and b) isn’t actually an MP. Rishy confidently assured everyone that this didn’t matter. There certainly was a lot of upset about this in Westminster, but not nearly as much of an upset as there was here when the She Human heard the news.

‘I DON’T BELEEVE IT!!!’ the She Human cried when she looked at the headlines on her mobile fone. I must stop to explain here that a lot of humans dislike David Cammyrun, especially Remainer-Humans, but their loathing of this man is nothing when you compare it to the loathing that the She Human nurses for this ex-PM-Human. The She Human can be very final in her likes and dislikes, fortunately she likes most people, but in the case of Cammyrun her dislike is ‘intense, unwavering and very very final’ (her words not mine).

The He-Human and I spent the rest of the day listening to her reasoning for this dislike, apparently it has something to do with him going to Eaten Collej – some sort of school for the human kittens of very rich humans where the boys are trained to run the country – or at least that is what they think. Cammyrun went to Oxford Yewniversity afterwards where he did little work and he was a member of a thing called the Bullingdun Club where they drank lots of human happy water and then smashed things up in pubs and restaurants and assaulted young She Humans who were serving their dinner.

Apparently in the Tories this is seen as the perfect training for running the country in the future. So Cammyrun decided that he was going to be the prime minister despite being what the She Human calls ‘a colossal twat’. I have also heard some disturbing rumours about his love of animals. I said to the She Human that being an animal lover is a good thing surely? She told me ‘Mont, this sort of animal love is really not the sort of animal love you would like at all, trust me on this’.

After hearing all this, I must admit to being a bit worried about the quality of some of our Forrin Sekketries. Apparently Borris Johnson-Human was also Forrin Sekketry for a while. I seem to remember that the She Human thought he was a ‘colossal twat’ as well. Perhaps that is part of the job description for being Forrin Sekketry?

We will (the She Human and I) be keeping a very careful eye on Cammyrun.

In the meantime, Sewer-ella was absolutely furious about being fire and wrote a very strong letter to Rishy PM-Human and wrote a really strong letter to him telling him that he was a liar, a lightweight, an idiot and someone who does not deliver on his promises. She also took the time and trouble to circulate this letter to her parlymentary colleagues, everyone on Twitter and anybody else who might read it.

Sewer-Ella’s letter was posted at exactly the right moment on Twitter so that it was just in time to be on the evening news on the teevee. Sure enough it was on the news and all the humans (at least those who don’t live on remote Scottish islands with no teevee or interwebs) were talking about it over their dinners.

One thing that Sewer-Ella has not taken into account is that as I said above, most Tories see being a liar, a cheat, a political lightweight, an idiot and someone who does not deliver on promises as being very desirable in their elected representatives. I don’t think that people like that are very reliable to take care of the interests of constituents (and their cats). Then again, I never went to Eaten Collej and never joined things like the Bullingdon Club.